


#FuckMars: The Twitter Fic

by gendzl



Category: The Martian - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Mark Watney Is A Millennial And So Am I, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23436496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gendzl/pseuds/gendzl
Summary: @MarkWatney: YOUR farts might clear a room, but MINE can cause a spaceship's crew to run the air filtration system earlier than scheduled.@MarkWatney: In unrelated news, I'm back to eating solid foods. :)
Relationships: Chris Beck/Mark Watney
Comments: 30
Kudos: 225





	#FuckMars: The Twitter Fic

**Author's Note:**

> Written purely for the laffs.

[Icon Photo: A skinny, haggard-looking Mark Watney floating in zero-grav, grinning brilliantly at the camera while holding a sign that reads "Certified Martian". Hand-drawn green antennae have been added to his head.]

 **Mark Watney  
** @MarkWatney

Astronaut. Botanist and Mechanical Engineer for Ares III. An intern has to update my account for me because I'm trapped in a tin can after successfully colonizing Mars.

Location: Hermes

@MarkWatney: Hello, Earthlings!

@MarkWatney: Apparently my personality was so loud in my logs that the previous edited-by-PR Mark Watney Robot Tweets won't cut it anymore. I've been given mostly free* rein.

@MarkWatney: * I am not allowed to swear. I am required to be at least a little bit educational. I can't alienate (ha) too many of you at once.

@MarkWatney: Our tweets (Ares III's, but mostly just mine, because the rest of them have duties and I'm still recovering and not allowed to touch anything on the ship because apparently my #MarsMacGyvering scared NASA) will be sent back to Earth along with the rest of our daily data dump.

@MarkWatney: They will be approved and queued (or denied and deleted) as seen fit by NASA's PR department/whatever intern they assigned to me. Basically, the rules are pretty lax but not nonexistent.

@MarkWatney: Let's discover the true limits of NASA's tolerance together, shall we? Without further ado…

@MarkWatney: #FuckMars.

@MarkWatney: Oh, hey, it went through. Neat.

[Icon Photo: NASA's old "worm" logo except instead of saying "NASA" it reads "NOOO".]

 **Watney's Intern**  
@WatneysIntern

Not actually an intern; this job requires hazard pay. Fully fledged @NASA employee and professional nerd herder. she/her pronouns.

Location: dogging Mark Watney's digital heels

@WatneysIntern: @MarkWatney YOU COULDN'T LET ME HAVE EVEN ONE DAY?! [Photo Attachment: The corner of a rather messy desk upon which sits a chalkboard sign that reads "0 days since last shenanigans".]

@MarkWatney: Who else remembers those True Facts youtube videos from like 25 years ago?

@MarkWatney: I used to watch them in high school. [True Facts About The Angler Fish](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-BbpaNXbxg) was always my favorite.

@MarkWatney: Someone should find that guy and get him to narrate the True Facts About Mark Watney. You have all my footage from Mars, right? The unabridged stuff has been posted already? @NASA I hope you aren't charging money for it.

@MarkWatney: "Here we see Mark Watney utilizing his superior brain power to harvest potatoes on Mars. Here he nearly blows himself up with hydrazine. And here we may observe as he dances embarrassingly to ABBA for the fortieth time that sol."

@MarkWatney: What are the legal ramifications for committing space mutiny? Asking for a friend.

@Mark Watney: We can't exactly do a real-time AMA from space, due to the constraints of both the format and current technology. But! You can tweet questions with #AskWatney and my good intern over at NASA will compile the best ones for me to answer at my leisure.

@MarkWatney: Yes, at my LEISURE. Because I am STILL RECOVERING from being STRANDED ON MARS and am not allowed to "do anything more strenuous than walking to the kitchen, Mark, I'm serious, put that down" –@ChrisBeck

@MarkWatney: I was only trying to water my plants :(

@MarkWatney: .@ChrisBeck is trying to teach me how to knit.

@MarkWatney: I think he thinks it will keep me out of trouble, but clearly he hasn't seen how sharp these needles are. I've stabbed myself twice already.

@MarkWatney: YOUR farts might clear a room, but MINE can cause a spaceship's crew to run the air filtration system earlier than scheduled.

@MarkWatney: In unrelated news, I'm back to eating solid foods. :)

@MarkWatney: Q: "How are the knitting lessons coming?"

@MarkWatney: It turns out that @ChrisBeck only brought knitting materials for himself. And as he is considered an Expert at the craft, this means I've been learning unnecessarily complicated knitting my first time out.

@MarkWatney: i.e., he's trying to teach me to knit /at all/ by teaching me to knit /socks/.

@MarkWatney: His logic is that "if you start by mastering something difficult, everything else will seem easy by comparison."

@MarkWatney: I hate him.

@MarkWatney: Q: "@ChrisBeck knits?" (You guys sent many variations on this question, some of which were offensive. We will be having words about this later.)

@MarkWatney: Yes, and very well. He learned to knit at his grandmother's elbow, and he kept it up because he's a doctor and it keeps his fingers dexterous *eyebrow waggle*

@MarkWatney: It's actually really great for the rest of us. He's been making socks for the entire Ares III crew since before we left Earth. He is EXTREMELY GEEKED about how long-lasting socks are in zero/low grav. There's very little wear-and-tear.

@MarkWatney: [Photo attachment: The Ares III crew's feet, all jumbled together in the air, wearing socks of various colors and patterns]

@MarkWatney: ATTENTION ALL—gender roles are useless and homophobia is bad.

@MarkWatney: Boys can knit, girls can be in charge of missions to Mars, people of any gender can do whatever the fuck they want to, and anybody who says otherwise is wrong, boring, and rude.

@MarkWatney: The next homophobe to show up in my mentions is cordially invited to kiss my ass. I'm gay, and I colonized Mars. What have YOU done?

@WatneysIntern: You know what, I'm not even going to count this one against him. 4 for you, Glen Coco. [Photo Attachment: The "days since last shenanigans" board with the count holding steady at 4.]

@WatneysIntern: Also, space belongs to the gays. [Photo Attachment: A NASA pencil cup holding a dozen pens and a rainbow pride flag]

@MarkWatney: Just an FYI, if you ever see me eating a potato or any of its derivative products, I'm being held against my will and am attempting to signal you.

@MarkWatney: Please reply to this tweet with adorable photos of your cats. @NASA intern, please compile the replies and include them in our next data dump. Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.

@someusername: Why doesn't Mark ever @ you directly? He always just tags @NASA.

@WatneysIntern: @someusername Yeeeeeahhhhhhhh so here's the thing. Mark has no idea that I exist. He will presumably find out once he gets home and gains access to the unabridged internet. I plan to be out of the office when that happens.

@MarkWatney: I caught myself singing ABBA while I watered the plants this morning. I didn't even notice until I was halfway through the chorus. @NASA how hard would it be to drop me back off on Mars again? I crave death.

@MarkWatney: I hear you guys are photoshopping my face onto potatoes? Nice to know my trauma makes for good memes.

@MarkWatney: To be, or not to be. That is the question. Whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of @ChrisBeck's ICE COLD HANDS during a check-up, or—no, come on. I mean, really. It's just bad bedside manner, Beck.

@MarkWatney: How DOES Aquaman control whales? @NASA intern, please respond.

@WatneysIntern: No.

@MarkWatney: Master has given Dobby a sock! [Photo attachment: one singular and very wonky sock that might, _possibly_ , fit the foot of someone….somewhere. But certainly no one on this space ship.]

@MarkWatney: .@ChrisBeck tried his very best to teach me, and that's what counts.

@MarkWatney: I will now leave the sock knitting to the sock experts. socksperts. Soxperts? This is a non-joke that won't land. Sorry @NASA. I have failed you.

@WatneysInternt: This is THE ugliest thing I have EVER seen, and I'm going to get NASA to put it on display in the lobby as soon as Mark lands. It's atrocious. I adore it.

@MarkWatney: Being a botanist is way more fun when you can botan without the sword of Damocles over your head. [Photo Attachment: A bright patch of greenery inside a well-lit lab]

@ChrisBeck: I caught Mark trying to be a botanist when he should have been taking a nap. There were consequences. [Photo Attachment: A bemused and soaking wet Mark Watney standing in the middle of his well-lit lab.]

@MarkWatney: Q: "What's your favorite joke?" A: Two birds are sitting on a perch. One looks at the other and says, "Do you smell fish?"

@MarkWatney: Someone referred to me as a "millennial" in an article the other day, and I'm having flashbacks to the twenteens.

@MarkWatney: Millennials are singlehandedly killing the space travel industry by eating too much avocado toast.

@MarkWatney: FR E SH A VOCA DO

@MarkWatney: Somewhere out there, travelling through the endless black of space, is frozen urine a la Ares III. I just want you guys to know that your tax dollars are being put to good use, pollinating the solar system with our bodily fluids.

@MarkWatney: My @NASA intern compiled a ton of questions for me to answer, but first I have a question for you all. WHY are you so convinced that I'm secretly banging @ChrisBeck?

@MarkWatney: Here I thought I'd been very clear and open about the fact that I'm banging him.

@WatneysIntern: [Photo Attachment: The "days since last shenanigans" board, on the ground, shattered into several pieces.]

@MarkWatney: [Video Attachment: Mark singing "Two brooooos, chillin' in a spaceship, five feet apart cuz they're not gay" while zooming in on Chris Beck from across the kitchen.]


End file.
